12 November 2006

The Greatest Arena Rock Anthem that Wasn't

When it comes to NHL games, the ice isn't the only place where women are under-represented. While the sound system repeatedly bleats such aural assaults as "Cotton-Eyed Joe" and "Song #2," scarcely a female voice is heard. Sometimes a top-40 pop tart (see: Fergie) breaks through the male-dominated clutter, but these tunes typically have no longevity -- in a decade, I doubt that "London Bridge" will be blasted whenever Hemsky 2.0 scores a goal. In contrast, "Welcome to the Jungle" will almost definitely remain in the repertoire.

Admittedly, there are not a lot of rock anthems with female vocals. "Hit me with your Best Shot" should probably get more play than it does, but the rest of Benetar's catalogue is a little too emo for the rink. Lita Ford's "Kiss me Deadly" has potential, but isn't very well-known and often gets overlooked. In light of this dilemma, what can us ladies do to inject some much-needed estrogen into the Oilers' PA system? Maybe what we should really be asking is: What Would Joan Jett Do?

I think Joan Jett would bust out her gritty, sexy, and generally amazing cover of the notorious Gary Glitter's "Do you Wanna Touch Me." While Glitter's version is sleazy (go figure) and really quite fey, Jett transforms this silly song about clumsy seduction into a head-banging, fist-pumping, crowd-rallying rock and roll anthem that rivals the best that GnR, Van Halen, or any of those other old men have to offer. Just listening to this tune on my MP3 player makes me feel as if I've been transported to some epic sports event where the stadium is screaming "YEAH; OH YEAH; OH YEAH!" along with the chorus.

Considering that the Oilers are the sexiest team in the league, I think it would be appropriate for their celebratory theme song to be about that deadly combo: raging hormones and whiskey. How better to follow a climactic breakaway goal than with the orgasmic declaration, "Do you wanna touch me there (where?) there! YEAH!"?
I mean, really.

8 comments:

Jordi said...

But what if unattractive people start taking their clothes off?

D. said...

Can we find an anthem to play at every game so that the Oilers quit sucking? I thought we had reached rock bottom with the no shots on goal in the first. Now I know there is a level past rock bottom as evidenced in St. Louis. Sigh.

What is going on??????

Alana said...

No doubt, d. From what I heard, Jussi was the problem last night.

court said...

"Baby, won't you please
Run your fingers through my hair"

It screams SMYTTY.

thehockeychick said...

I say go with the Lita Ford song (one of my favs back in the day). But I like the Joan Jett suggestion. Thinking about it, there really aren't many chicks these days that rock. Kittie is ok, but tend to bitch too much about guys.

Anonymous said...

Jussi was the main problem yesterday but the rest of team didn't play great either. Yeah 3/4 goals Jussi let in were horrible, but the whole team deserved that loss. Winchester should not be your best player, especially since he's been the best over this whole road trip.

Joan Jett is a great choice, can totally rock out.

Anonymous said...

A friend and I were debating the merits of playing Fall Out Boy's Dance Dance at the Nashville game, but then we decided "falling apart to half time" was pretty appropriate for the Oilers these days.

"I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me"? Yes. Have sympathy for your fans, Oilers.

Alana said...

I've changed my mind. I demand that "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" be played after every Oilers goal.