26 May 2007

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Phoenix Coyotes

Since it's best we all forget that the 2006/07 season ever happened, shall we shift our focus toward the future? There are a buttload of UFAs available this summer, but who will really bring sexy back to the Oil? That was the question posed by my pal Garnet, who suggested that the ladies of Hot Oil rate the 2007 UFAs on what's really important: dreaminess. Team-by-team we'll be separating the sexy from the mutant-y, starting with those adorable losers, the Phoenix Coyotes.

In goal:

Curtis Joseph
Oh, CuJo. Not only is he a former Oilers' saviour, but he has pretty blue eyes and a cocky half-smile going for him. Not many men can pull off the giant eyebrows, but Joseph is Peter Gallagher-esque in this feat. The cherry on top: he's a goalie. CuJo is definitely a hot free agent, and K.Lo would do well to sign his rugged manliness now if he wants to help the Oil return to form.

Brian Boucher
Mr. Boucher, you look like a young spaz. This is a resource which the Oil has in ample supply. While not entirely off-putting, you are certainly no Curtis Joseph or Dwayne Roloson. Plus, it's hard to look sexy while opening the door to the bench. Good luck to you, sir. I hope you don't end up in Edmonton.



Trying to Score:


Kevyn Adams
This guy's too-close-together eyes, resemblance to Peter Hill, and unfortunate spelling of his first name substantially detract from his hotness, but the real kicker is that he played for the 2005/06 Carolina Hurricanes. DEAD TO ME.




Jeremy Roenick
Desperation is never hot. Neither is terrible dancing. Granted, Roenick used to be a bit of a looker, but these days he's been skewing toward the Nick Nolte end of the spectrum. Sorry about your broken face, pal. I know you really really really want to play, but please don't choose the Oil.



Owen Nolan
Mr. Nolan is Irish, cocky, and aging pretty well -- he's finally lost that babyface, and is rocking the shaved head. Plus, I bet he can really drink. He'd bring a certain diaper-less, manly quality to the baby-infested Oil, so he might be worth a glance from K.Lo for boosting the team's hotness.

Mike Ricci
Um...






14 comments:

T. said...

I think if you were to rate the total hotness potential of this group of UFAs you'd come up with a pretty low benchmark for the rest of this process.

Anonymous said...

CuJo - sexy. but then again I have a weakness for goalies. I rather like his eyebrows.
Boucher - no thank you.
Adams - again no thank you, tho maybe a different haircut??
Roenick - attractive I suppose, but not my type.
Nolan - also have a weakness for Celts but alas, not him.
Ricci - going by this pic, nope.

RoliLover

Alana said...

All pictures of Ricci are that bad. He's widely considered the ugliest man in the NHL. In fact, I've heard that his prescence on a team makes all the other players uglier, like an infection. Ass-face-itis.

Lord Bob said...

Mike Ricci is so incredibly not hot, he becomes hot again. He has, like, a surreal Liam Neeson-esque magnificent anti-hotness. If he ever touches super-hot goalie prospect Glenn Fisher, the reaction of hot and anti-hot could destroy the universe.

Best to keep him away from the Oilers just in case.

Boondock said...

Hilarious stuff.

Look forward to the rest of them.

D. said...

Mike Ricci is so ugly. I even looked up more pics of him to see how ugly he really is. I don't know who would win in an ugly contest - Brindy or Ricci? Cujo wins this round, though.

Lady_Byng said...

Ricci. Ewwww. That's all I have to say about him.
Cujo still rocks it for an older man. <3 Cujo.
The rest are eh.

Anonymous said...

What is the point of this?! This is suppose to be about OIL!!!

HD said...

i HATE roenick.

anyway, what i wanted to say is that if you don't mind, i'm gonna link your blog. hahaha. it's hilar.

Anonymous said...

Looked at a few more pics of Ricci to make sure I gave him a fair assessment - still 'non'. Few men can carry off the long hair, Ol' Smytty for example.

Also happened to be browsing some YouTube segments, guess I wanted to remind myself of why I love my Oilers (like Pisani's game 5 overtime shorthanded and Hemsky's goal off of Patrick Stefan's gaffe. I still get a thrill) and found a fight with CuJo and some Detroit goalie a few years back. "WABAMINKI" (Viagra commercial)

While I tend to agree with some opinions out there that Lowe will probably bring in guys through trade, this process is much fun.

RoliLover

pickles said...

i would like to put in my vote for owen nolan. i like the look he's got going on there. i suspect he likes a pint of guinness now and then (well, let me imagine that he does), and any man who drinks the black gold is hot in my books. and i think he'd look really hot in an oilers jersey.

Scarlett said...

I think a recount is needed, cause those boys are ugly. I mean, someone hit them hard with a puck and an ugly stick!!!

Julian said...

Jesus, Ricci looks like the Freakshow character from Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecastle.




Anyone remember when CinO did their "ugliest players in the NHL" post a long while ago? Hilarious stuff.

Anonymous said...

See here...