18 June 2007

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Buffalo Sabres

The Buffalo Sabres is a sexy hockey team. Their logo is ugly, but their goaltender is not (unless you think he is. Loser). All the girls go wild for the lopsided face. Come 1 July, they will have a couple of gems up for grabs. The rest (read: Ty Conklin) are not really gems, but are still available. Let's take a look.

In the Crease:

Ty Conklin
First a nod to NHL.com for claiming that he plays for Columbus while displaying this photo of him wearing a Sabres jersey. Next, a nod to the people who made this, as it pretty much sums up the not-so-dearly-departed. Conklin went undrafted, but was signed by the Oilers in 2001. It can only be assumed that the other 29 teams saw something that Edmonton didn't. Fast-forward six years, and Edmontonians will fly into a murderous rage at the mere mention of Conklin's name. Attractive? Nuh-uh. Maybe his life here would have been easier here if he had had dreamy eyes a la Joffrey Lupul. Stay the hell out of Edmonton if you want to avoid being run over by the Oil Country Crusher. And take your carnies with you.

On the Blueline:

Teppo Numminen
He reminds me of Colin Farrell. I don't like it. His one saving grace is that he was Ulanov's teammate during the days of the Winnipeg Jets, therefore I am quite familiar with him in the EA Sports NHL '95 context. Judging by this photo, Numminen appears as though he might have a similar IQ to that of a rutabaga. That being said, anything is better than Matt Greene, whose intellect can be compared to a mere yam (much less sexy).

Trying to Score:

Daniel Briere
Daniel Briere is a great hockey player. In most cases I find him to be simply adorable, with his tiny hockey body and little accent. In this picture, however, he doesn't look any more more masculine than those fan girls. Should Edmonton be home to this girly man? Oh, hell. Yes! Yes! Oh god yes!

Chris Drury
Chris Drury looks like your little brother's perma-stoned best friend. You remember him as a six-year-old (before the days of his drug use, presumably) playing Lego (and possibly recreating biblical scenes) in your basement. Now he has grown up into a young man who likely says "dude" a lot and who can't stop staring at your breasts. Lucky for me, I don't have a little brother, nor do I know yours. This might convince Lowe. Who doesn't find that hot?

Adam Mair

He looks like a happy guy. And he looks like he's prone to bar fights. Also, I'm not into blonds unless they come from Russia. Offensively, he's about as sexy as your grandmother. And his nickname is "Mairsy," according to Wikipedia. Don't do it, Lowe. I don't care how offensively sexy your grandmother is.

Dainius Zubrus
While searching for images of Zubrus, I found pictures of Harry Potter, as well as a picture of a moose enjoying a wintery environment. Zubrus strikes me as the kind of guy you might find in a mid '90s Calvin Klein underwear print ad. Undergarments:1, Zubrus:0. Fortunately, his name is fun to say, and he comes from Lithuania, which happens to be in a part of Europe (East) where all the men are hot. The Oil should take him, if only for post-game dressing room shots on Pay-per-view.


Alana said...

"I don't care how offensively sexy your grandmother is"

tee hee!

Steve said...

I like how the Lego Jesus comes from a Star Wars set.

Lady_Byng said...

Why do fans think it's cool to 'pose' for a photo with a player when he is in his vehicle leaving the arena? "stalkers"

Really, as crappy as Conks played when he was here, he's really not that bad looking. He has a charm about him.
But I doubt he will be coming back any time soon.

The Oilers should really look into doing the 3-part photo thingy that Buffalo did with Drury, with say Stoll. Or Moreau. Now THAT would be hot.

Kirsten said...

Out of all of those, (The Sabres have quite a few...) I pick Drury. Most definitely. I also agree with Lady_Byng that the Oilers should do a few of those three photo things...

Anonymous said...

Sorry Conklin, my no vote for you has nothing to do with the unfortunate events of exactly a year ago today. Oooch... just had a sharp twinge inside my chest. Sounds like you were a good guy none the less.
Numminen, your name is too hard to spell. And you have bad hair, too.
Briere, you're a little too boyish looking for me. An accent is always appealing though.
Drury, you are sexy cute. I like the blue eyes/dark hair combination too. (I think they're blue anyways). 2 WABAMINKIs. Sounds like you're heading to California though...
Mair, no thank you.
Zubrus, you remind me of a young Val Kilmer in this pic. But it's only this one shot. Therefore a weak no thank you. I do wonder what your accent sounds like? That could actually change my mind.


Lord Bob said...

I could never really get behind signing Daniel Briere when I realised he looks exactly like Paul McCartney in 1970. It's like the first time I realised root beer kinda tasted like toothpaste.

Anonymous said...

They all prettin near do it for me. Id do them any one of them any day.

Anonymous said...

lord bob, thanks for ruining root beer for me. I realize that probably wasn't your intention but... bleh.

Julian said...

They all prettin near do it for me. Id do them any one of them any day.

oh great, reggie jr has migrated over here now.

Anonymous said...

Julian re: reg jr - Funny, that was my first thought as well.