30 June 2007

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Edmonton Oilers

Tomorrow's the big day! UFA Day! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get through many teams' UFA hotness by the deadline, but what're ya gonna do? From what I did see, I'm pulling hard for Jed Ortmeyer to don the copper and blue. Make it happen, Lowe.

After that exhilerating trip around the league, it's time for us to get back to our usual navel-gazing. The Oilers have six UFAs on the auction block tomorrow, but who's dreamy enough to be bought back?

In the crease:

Juicy Markkanen

The Juice is just too clean-cut to me, what with his conventional good looks, perfect blonde hair, and toothpaste-commercial smile. If he were in an 80's teen comedy, he would play Chas, the rich jock with a heart of gold. That said, Jussi and I do have something in common -- we both love his starting goalie. Roli needs a supportive backup, and Jussi's considered hot by a lot of lady fans. He's probably a keeper.

On the blueline:

Daniel Tjarnqvist

I know the Prez loves him, but I can't get over Shaggy's wonky eyes. Or terrible hair. Or "sports hernia." There have to be better, hotter, less injury-prone defencemen out there. Come on, K.Lo -- let's get hussied up in our tightest, shortest tube-dress and our tallest fuck-me pumps and WORK IT to pick up a defenseman tomorrow. It's time to put your self-respect on hold for the sake of our blueline.

Jan Hejda
Hejda is definitely more attractive than Tjarnqvist, what with the square jaw and sexy intense eyes. Arguably, he's also a better defenseman. I think he's probably worth another shot, if only because I don't think K.Lo's best pick-up lines will be able to entice more than one good blueliner from the market. I mean, "I'll let you ride my Zamboni" only works so often.

Trying to Score:

Petr Sykora

Hands down, Sykora is the Oilers' hottest UFA this season, with his great smile, ubiquitous 3-day facial hair growth, and adorable accent. The bar may have been low, but he also led the (post-Smytty) team in points this season. I hope Sykora will stay in Edmonton next year, if only for his post-game dressing room interviews. Rawr!

Toby Petersen
Oh, for fuck sakes. NOOOOOO!


Anonymous said...

LOL Toby-for-fuck-sakes-Petersen

D. said...

Sykora and Jussi. Hot and cute.

Anonymous said...


Jussi is easy on the eyes and may have one of the best smiles in the whole league. A sweetie. I, too, love the relationship he has with Roli. I get all melty (is that a word?) when I see their interactions. And again there's that accent factor. 1 WABAMINKI.
* he would've like more games and I don't blame him. Best memory of the season for me was that one game where the LA Kings kept crashing him and he got PO'd and gave one player a good shove into the ice.
Hope he's back. If not, the best to you wherever you land, Juicy. Thanks for your part in that exciting run last spring.

I like Tjarnqvist's hair, suits him I think. Yeah, the wonky eyes throw me off a bit too. If not for that he probably would've gotten a WABAMINKI out of me cause I liked his voice and accent as well. Sorry Daniel.
* too bad about the flaming pubic bone, would've liked to have seen what he could do over a full season because he looked pretty good.

Didn't feel hotness towards Hejda; I think if the hair on top was a little longer hair that would help. But I liked what I saw of his game for sure.
* best memory of the season for me - when he was dumped into the opposition's bench, bounced right back out, then later scores the winning goal. Hope he'll be back.

I prefer Sykora's blondish style he sports sometimes; 'Rawr!' is right. The accent tops it off. Czech men tend to be another weakness of mine. His crotch adjustments were a little disturbing though. 3 1/2 WABAMINKIs
* I hope he is back, too. Best memory of the season was that falling/flying shot and scoring. Play like that ups the hotness factor for me.

Can't say Petersen registers in my hotness considerations. Sorry Toby.
* A guy who gave his best with the opportunities given to him. That I can appreciate. I liked that he could play some defence too.

And just a few other thoughts...
Can't help thinking that maybe the players are getting a good chuckle out of these comments.

At their many celebrity golf tourneys this summers I hope the boys are doing a good job explaining to other players how nice it is to play in Edmonton. Maybe Stoll has convinced Robyn Reghier?

Anonymous said...

Totally off topic, but does anyone know which Oiler got married yesterday? My family knows the person who did the ceremony, but we didn't catch the name of the guy getting married. It's been killing me the last few days not knowing!

D. said...

I believe it was Torres.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea. My guess would be Torres, he's engaged isn't he?

Anonymous said...

Yeah Raffi got married to Jianna Santeramo (now Jianna Torres)

Anonymous said...

Thanks, I figured if anyone knew they'd be on here =P

Anonymous said...

Let's hope Raffi really settles down and gets laser like focus on the ice. And he changes the chin strip.

Anonymous said...

PETR SYKORA ISNT ON THE TEAM ANYMORE!!! :(:( he went to pittsburgh

Hannah_Marie_tm said...

Oh Baby, Jussi<3 :D

he shoulda gotten signed, fuck K-Lowe.

as soon as i move im kickin someones ass.