18 August 2006

It's all in the 'nov.

Mrs. Alana Roloson suggested to me a while back that I put in my two cents about Mikhnov. Why? Because his name sort of sounds like "Ulanov," and that's a good enough reason for me. Alexei (whose parents appear to be just as creative in naming their children as my parents are) is a native of the Ukraine. He is currently playing in the Russian Super League and if Edmonton is successful in bringing him over, he will be the closest thing that the Oilers have to a Russian (We do have Russian prospects, but as far as I know none of them have a hope in making the team this season). That is, unless Evgeni "The Runaway Bride" Malkin flees the Pittsburgh training camp - assuming he makes it there - and ends up in Edmonton. See what Sergei Gonchar has to say about that.

For reasons that make no sense at all, I'm going to compare the sqeal factors of both Ulanov and Mikhnov. They don't even play the same position, but this blog clearly looks at the bigger picture: who's cuter!

Alexei Mikhnov:
Mikhnov is too tall. He's 6'5, which is crushingly unattractive. He looks like the love child of Josh Hartnett and Jaroslav Spacek, both of whom (who?) are hideous. But Mr. Hartnett has a hot girlfriend. This casts postive light on Mikhnov, but I'm not quite sure how. I have not seen Mikhnov in person, so I cannot judge him on robustness. It would be hard to bear Igor in that category anyhow. Mikhnov has nice eyes and nice lips. His eyebrows and hair, however, are in need of grooming tools. As he is still young, Mikhnov lacks the battle scars that could make him ruggedly handsome. No word yet on his facial hair-growing abilities. A positive for Alexei: he has that sexy surname suffix (I bent the definition a little) of "nov" that is all the rage in the hockey playing world today.

Bottom Line: A squeal factor of 5.5, as he is not as manly as Ulanov. He gains points for Scarlett Johansson's beauty. And his Nov-ness.

Igor Ulanov:
Not just another pretty face, Ulanov seems like an all around nice guy. That's hot. Ulanov is also tall, but he is still two inches shorter than Mikhnov. Every inch counts. Ulanov is clearly the offspring of Russian angels, with his flowing golden hair and somewhat symmetrical face. You (or possibly just me) just want to give the guy a big ol' hug. Ulanov is rugged. He has the ability to grow the kind of beard that, if left alone, might rival those of the members of ZZ Top. Not like those boy-men they're allowing to play in the NHL nowadays. The Krasnokamsk native has a friendly face, but it still undoubtedly strikes fear in the hearts of his opponents. I like that in a man. I am tired and this post has to stop somewhere.

Bottom Line: Ulie's squeal factor is off the charts, as his presence rendered me almost speechless, way past the point of squeals.


Alana said...

I agree on Mikhnov. Maybe he's too young, or maybe he's just in too dire a need of a pair of tweezers, but he doesn't really do it for me. That may change once I see him play, however. Sometimes pure talent can overshadow any deficiencies in the physical hotness arena.

Good call on Josh Hartnett's hideous-ness. I've never understood this guy's status as a "heart-throb"

Finally, I think I would die of happiness if Ulanov grew a ZZ Top beard. Shall we begin a letter-writing campaign?

Court said...

Mihknov needs some Proactiv and a tweezer, but he's got potential.

You oughta post a pic of Ulanov for those of use who are unfamiliar. /newbie

the Prez said...

Court - to find a picture of that studmuffin, Ulanov, visit www.edmontonoilers.com/roster/ulanov_igor he may not be on the team anymore, but the site still exists.

Alana - Yes we should, although I don't know where we'd direct said letters. Hmm...

Andy Grabia said...

How long before you run out of players to compare, and end up having to rate the squeal factor of bloggers? I totally call dibs on Chris!.

Jordi said...

That image of Mikhnov looks more like a Ashton Kutcher offspring thing. Maybe it's me though, after all I like Leonardo DiCaprio. But dang this guy is huge.

Loxy said...

Grabia - Thanks for the idea! Since I love lists, maybe a top five oilogosphere bloggers?

This has potential!! Weeee!

Andy Grabia said...

I bet I know who your number one will be!!!