30 August 2006

Not quite symmetrical, not quite sexy.


Here we have Mathieu Roy, who has apparently earned his diploma from the Raffi Torres Institute of Easily Ridiculed Facial Hair. Now Mr. Roy might be a fine-looking young man, but his facial hair is all I can look at. Not sexy boys, just not sexy.

That being said, it looks as if he may be able to grow a mighty bushy playoff beard. This bodes well for the future of the Oilers.

29 August 2006

Simulated Fandom


Does anyone still play the Sims? If so, you can now deck out your gibberish-talkin' simulated fangirls and boys with Oilers-themed digs. Link!

There's also a Hurricanes-themed bedroom on this site. For those with residual bitterness, I suggest building a house with 'Canes decor and filling it with Sim 'Canes players and fans. Then delete the doors and add a fireplace. Comedy gold.

26 August 2006

Both of these players will be playing for your 2006-2007 Edmonton Oilers. They will wear the same jersey.

But the big question is, who is hotter?

That's right, your first HOT-OFF!

After I get this first poll out of the way, keep your eyes open for a series of polls. We will determine who really is, "The Hottest Oiler".

I know that Shawn Horcoff plays Centre, but do we like him on the Right or the Left?




Both pictures originate from the below picture.


Make your vote count! In the Comments Section!

23 August 2006

Roli on Masks: "Pretty Neat!"

Here's a clip of the always adorable Dwayne Roloson geeking out about goalie masks, including some great comments on the horrible white mask he wore when he first came to town. Regarding his current mask, he doesn't come right out and say whether the gold has any meaning, but he is pretty excited about it: "It's actually a gold plated cage. So it's, uh, pretty neat, the cage itself."



squee!

22 August 2006

Quiz Time!

Which Oiler is your Perfect Match?
First Name
Age
Your Perfect Match is...Steve Staios
Quiz created with MemeGen!

19 August 2006

Moments in Oiler Fashion History



I realize that this picture is of Todd Harvey in his pre-Oiler days. And now that he has entered a post-Oiler phase, we can make fun of him.

But lets be honest, as much as I want to rag on him for old-man pants, a hawaiian shirt that is decorated with shinny rinks, a popcorn necklace, attempted parting of bangs and the fact that he's obviously covering a boner...

He pulls off the look. No way around it. In fact, the only thing that is missing is his now signature porn 'stache.

Raffi gives it 4 out of 5 thumbs up.

18 August 2006

It's all in the 'nov.


Mrs. Alana Roloson suggested to me a while back that I put in my two cents about Mikhnov. Why? Because his name sort of sounds like "Ulanov," and that's a good enough reason for me. Alexei (whose parents appear to be just as creative in naming their children as my parents are) is a native of the Ukraine. He is currently playing in the Russian Super League and if Edmonton is successful in bringing him over, he will be the closest thing that the Oilers have to a Russian (We do have Russian prospects, but as far as I know none of them have a hope in making the team this season). That is, unless Evgeni "The Runaway Bride" Malkin flees the Pittsburgh training camp - assuming he makes it there - and ends up in Edmonton. See what Sergei Gonchar has to say about that.

For reasons that make no sense at all, I'm going to compare the sqeal factors of both Ulanov and Mikhnov. They don't even play the same position, but this blog clearly looks at the bigger picture: who's cuter!

Alexei Mikhnov:
Mikhnov is too tall. He's 6'5, which is crushingly unattractive. He looks like the love child of Josh Hartnett and Jaroslav Spacek, both of whom (who?) are hideous. But Mr. Hartnett has a hot girlfriend. This casts postive light on Mikhnov, but I'm not quite sure how. I have not seen Mikhnov in person, so I cannot judge him on robustness. It would be hard to bear Igor in that category anyhow. Mikhnov has nice eyes and nice lips. His eyebrows and hair, however, are in need of grooming tools. As he is still young, Mikhnov lacks the battle scars that could make him ruggedly handsome. No word yet on his facial hair-growing abilities. A positive for Alexei: he has that sexy surname suffix (I bent the definition a little) of "nov" that is all the rage in the hockey playing world today.

Bottom Line: A squeal factor of 5.5, as he is not as manly as Ulanov. He gains points for Scarlett Johansson's beauty. And his Nov-ness.

Igor Ulanov:
Not just another pretty face, Ulanov seems like an all around nice guy. That's hot. Ulanov is also tall, but he is still two inches shorter than Mikhnov. Every inch counts. Ulanov is clearly the offspring of Russian angels, with his flowing golden hair and somewhat symmetrical face. You (or possibly just me) just want to give the guy a big ol' hug. Ulanov is rugged. He has the ability to grow the kind of beard that, if left alone, might rival those of the members of ZZ Top. Not like those boy-men they're allowing to play in the NHL nowadays. The Krasnokamsk native has a friendly face, but it still undoubtedly strikes fear in the hearts of his opponents. I like that in a man. I am tired and this post has to stop somewhere.

Bottom Line: Ulie's squeal factor is off the charts, as his presence rendered me almost speechless, way past the point of squeals.

17 August 2006

Cute Blueliner Alert

No one seems to know much about this new guy, Jan Hejda. Whether he'll be able to bring some much-needed defensive talent and experience to the Oilers' blue line is a mystery, but one thing's for sure: He's a looker. Maybe it's his more-than-passing resemblance to the delicious Mr. Johnny Knoxville. Or maybe I just have a thing for Czech automobile manufacturers. Either way, I think that Hejda is a fine (and I mean fine) addition to the Oil D. Welcome to the team, Jan! I hope that you can skate.

12 August 2006

know your fangirl

The hockey fangirl is a strange beast: giggling, wild-eyed, eternally locked in a sophisticated fantasy world where all the guys have patchy beards and missing teeth, and the marriage proposals (complete with honeymoon to Stanley Cup Island) are casually strewn about like those ribbons of “Get Electric” tin foil.

Because of their solitary lifestyle, there is much the scientific community does not yet know about these giggling daydreamers, but this much is clear: all fangirls watch hockey, but not all girls who watch hockey are fangirls. It is a state of mind that takes time to develop — to pupate, if you will — as backstories are learned, interviews digested and various indicators of physical hotness are carefully assessed over the course of the season.

But from this day forward, the fangirl need no longer be a mystery, as the women of Hot Oil — Alana, Loxy, and The Prez, for all of whom the transition from casual spectator to unbridled Oiler luster… after… er is clearly complete— have volunteered to tell us a little bit about themselves so we may learn why three grown women would dedicate so much of their time (not to mention scrapbook pages and craft supplies) to gettin’ all dreamy-eyed about Craig MacTavish.

So without further ado, here’s the deal behind the squeals!

Chris!, Covered in Oil

How did you first get into hockey? Was it the game itself, or just the hot guys?

Alana: For me, it was the game -- I started playing ringette at a young age, which boosted my interest in hockey, and I would watch Oilers games on TV with my dad all the time. As a four-year-old, “hot guys” didn’t really register. However, when my little brother started playing hockey and I had to attend a lot of games and tournaments with him, I started to notice that sweaty boys on skates can be pretty darn cute. Around this time, I developed my first full-blown Oilers crush on Mark Messier.

Loxy: I’d like to credit my mom for this. As a successful WHA Oilers puck bunny in the mid-‘70s, she helped to pave the way for many of the women who now force marquee players to leave the Edmonton area — though it was never her intention for it to lead that direction. In fact, when she met my father, an up-and-comer in the Canadian rugby ranks, she realized that her infatuation with Oilers was all wrong. The distance between a fan and her loved player creates a special bond that restraining orders can’t change. If my mom taught me only one thing, it was this: “get them while their amateurs or don’t get them at all.”

The Prez: I have two older brothers who both followed hockey. My oldest brother was a Nordiques fan (and he now lives in Colorado). My other brother is an Oilers fan, and when he still lived at home he’d watch them on TV. In short, it has been a few years, for sure, but it was just last season that I became a rabid fan. I love it for the game first and the men second.

2. What do you look for in an attractive hockey player?

Alana: My hockey crushes are more about personality than appearance. I like the boys who give funny press conferences, or have weird quirks. It also doesn’t hurt to be able to grow a mean playoff beard (manly!), have a couple missing teeth (tough!), or look hot in goalie equipment (there’s just something about goalies, isn’t there ladies?). MacTavish fits into the “funny” category — dude makes me laugh on a regular basis. He also looks great in a suit. Roli is hilariously weird and charming, and I love him for it. Plus he can grow a great beard and, well, he’s a goalie. Gator and Moreau fill the beard and missing teeth criteria when I just want some eye candy.

Loxy: I have an underdog complex. Few of my favourite players are key on their team. Most of them are one spot away on the depth chart from time in the AHL. Nobody on the Oilers embodies my needs like Marty Reasoner. Sure, the dark hair and dreamy eyes are important... but if the guy is going to give 132 per cent, I could put a paper bag on his head and do him anyways.

The Prez: I’m usually attracted to men who are strange/funny-looking. I don’t really like men who are tall, but most hockey players are tall. It’s hard to pinpoint the physical traits that are attractive to me, but I like Eastern European players, because their accents are sexy. I’m also a big fan of the rugged look and I like facial hair. Long hair is good too, on some people. Igor Ulanov is pretty much fits it perfectly, although he’s not technically an Oiler. His mighty playoff beard was especially spectacular. Marc-AndrĂ© Bergeron also makes me giggle like a school girl (despite his murderous tendencies toward his own goaltender), and it has nothing to do with his skill. I guess I like Francophone players, too.

3. Is being an Oiler an integral part of being hot?

Alana: Being an Oiler is definitely important. I have an extremely hard time finding cute players on teams I actively hate (currently the Hurricanes, the Flames, and the Leafs), but there are a few standouts on teams I’m indifferent toward. I like Bryzgalov because he gives funny interviews. I will always love Jose Theodore for wearing a pom-pom tuque over his helmet at the Heritage Classic too. So cute! Like I said, there’s something about goalies.

Loxy: Oilers are hotter than non-Oilers. Simple. That’s not to say that there isn’t guys out there that I want playing on MY team...

Here’s Loxy’s all-hot starting lineup:

Forwards: *Mark Bell (SJ) - Mike Modano (Dal) - Richard Park (none)

Defence: Wade Redden (Ott) - Christian Ehrhoff (SJ)

Goal: Rick Dipietro (NYI)

The Prez: Being an Oiler makes a player hotter than he would be if he played for another team. It might have something to do with exposure. It helps, but it’s not the only thing. I don’t presently find any of the hated Flames attractive, but there are players on other teams I find attractive. For former Oilers, I’m a huge fan of Anson Carter and Michael Morrison. For non-Oilers, I like Ryan Miller of Buffalo. I know almost nothing about him, but I certainly like the way he looks. Maxim Afinogenov isn’t bad, either. I’m also strangely drawn to Mike Ricci, but I don’t know if I’d call it attraction.

4. Which Oiler player/staff member is in the most dire need of a makeover?

Alana: By far, Todd Harvey. His porn stash and scraggly goatee make him look like a a complete C.H.U.D. All he needs is some shaving cream and a razor, and I think he’d be pretty hot. He has nice eyes.

Loxy: Oiler Player: Marc-Andre Bergeron

First of all, I know that his involvement in the Roloson incident has left a big scar on the little man. I think a spa treatment is the only way to heal the mind. And then there’s his hair. Taller hair doesn’t make one taller. In fact, it highlights how small his head really is. It’s also a bit of a pixie-cut. Maybe he doesn’t want to shed the elfin image? To his credit, this look is better than the “Extra from Lord of the Rings” look he had last year. What do I propose? A trade.

Oiler Staff Member: Craig “the forgotten craig” Simpson

With a stud like Craig MacTavish in the organization, most casual fans forget that we have another coach Craig. Unfortunately, Simpson has forgotten how to coach a power play and more importantly, roll with the times. His look is dated at 1988. And in 1988, I was seven. Kids my age were sportin’ that look. If there is anyone who rivals Kerry Fraser for hairspray usage, it’s “The Forgotten Craig.” Toss the spray, embrace a free-flowing ‘do.

The Prez: Raffi Torres should not grow his horrendous worm beard again. He might look better with a soul patch or something. Craig Simpson could stand to grow out his hair a little bit. I don’t really think that any of the players are in dire need of a makeover (except it might be nice if Smyth would wear his hair in a classy updo more often), unless I’d be allowed to bring in cosmetic surgery. That would be a whole new ball game, but I’d prefer not to get that mean.

5. Playoff beards: good or bad?

Alana: Totally yummy.

Loxy: If it’s a sign that the Oilers are still in the playoffs, good. The patchier, the better.

The Prez: Two thumbs up, especially if the beards are lush. Pisani, Torres, Smyth and Ulanov (he did grow one) were the winners during last season’s playoffs. Winchester’s was nice but nor particularly full. It just made him look less like someone’s mother.

6. How would you sign your cheques if you were married to your favourite Oiler?

Alana:





Loxy:





The Prez:



11 August 2006

Will this man get the hot oil treatment he deserves?



Hot-Oil is dedicated to esthetically enjoying current and (at times) former Oilers. We offer creative and constructive suggestions to improving "the look" of said players. The above player, though not yet a member of the copper and blue, is on my radar.

I'm hoping that with a simple "hot oil" treatment, Petr Sykora's hair will transform from...

(Aka the only NHLer challenging Kelly Hrudey for "youngest haircut" at the NHL awards each year)

...to something as simple as...


I'm shocked that I fit two pictures of Jonathan Lipnicki in a post. I mean, Leonardo Dicaprio, fine. But the kid from Jerry Maguire? You know, ladies, only 2 more years until he hits the big 1-8.

By the way, if you wanted to see the unquestion-marked face of a man who may be an Oiler in the next 48 hours... Here you go. I think it's safe to say that he's not too hard on the eyes.

Do I see dimples??

09 August 2006

Anniversary

Eighteen years ago today, I had my heart broken for the first time. The culprit? One Mr. Wayne Gretzky. I remember crouching in front of the TV as a tiny fangirl when the news broke, watching in awe as one of my hockey heroes broke down in tears at the press conference. "If he's so sad," I remember thinking, "Why is he leaving?" I was too small to comprehend that Gretz had been traded for a pile of cash, and I couldn't understand why he would want to quit on my beloved Oilers. Then I heard my dad mention Pocklington and his debts, and I lost a little bit of my innocence.

Over the following season I lashed out at the man who had sold Gretzky, but I also (more irrationally) lashed out at the team that had bought him. Every time the Great One scored on the Oil, my hatred toward the LA Kings grew -- Eventually, I was so consumed with ire toward the team with the shiny silver and black jerseys that the sight of Hrudey's ugly do-rag hanging out of the back of his helmet would make me need to punch something. Usually my brother.

Gradually, my anger waned (aided by the Oilers' cup win in '90), but I still actively cheer against the Kings if I happen to catch one of their games. Silly, I know. A year or two following the trade, I came face-to-face with Gretzky after a Kings-Oilers game at the Northlands. He signed my brother's hockey card and I peered up at him, wondering what my Oilers would be like if he were still a part of them. It doesn't matter; I still love them, I concluded, achieving closure.

If the Gretzky trade were a person, he'd be all growed up and legally able to smoke, drink and vote today. It amazes me that I am still so in love with this team after all this time. Not only that, but I think I'm more excited this year than I have ever been for the start of the hockey season. Goilers, indeed.

08 August 2006

a haiku

wee raffi torres
you make all the girls melty
when you hit so hard

07 August 2006

Separated at Birth: A recently departed rental Oiler

Did Leonardo DiCaprio ever play a mentally handicapped boy with an obese mother?

Yes.

Did Leonardo DiCaprio ever play for the Edmonton Oilers?

No.

Or did he...
Add a sasquatch beard, subtract 10 years of good beauty sleep, throw in some Russian...

Sergei Samsonov?

Crap, I think I gave Leo some Fernando Torres eyes.

06 August 2006

Don't pull a Craig MacTavish -- You might get AIDS!

According to the Urban Dictionary, sort of a mini-Wikipedia for slang, the definition of "Craig MacTavish" is "to have unprotected sexual intercourse with a girl (i.e. sexual intercourse without your 'helmet' (a condom)." Truly brilliant. Apparently, the Pope is a big fan of MacTavish.

After making this discovery, I immediately looked up the definition of "Dwayne Roloson" -- I was not disappointed. "Chuck Norris wears a Dwayne Roloson jersey;" "Dwayne Roloson is the best NHL goaltender;" "All hail Dwayne Roloson." No argument here!

I also can't dispute the definition of "Battle of Alberta." I think the usage example is particularly apt: "Edmonton always has the last laugh in the Battle of Alberta, but Calgary would kill Edmonton if it were the 'Battle of the Greasiest Mullets,' or the 'Battle of Ugliest Chicks.'"

Most of the definitions of "Wayne Gretzky" are pretty standard (I think the concise "teh hockey god" about sums it up), but there were a few I had not heard of before. Calling a pair of 9's a "Wayne Gretzky" in Texas hold 'em seems straightforward enough, but I don't think that Mr. Gretzky would approve of his name being connected to definition #7. Is that activity so common that it needs a name? Note to self: avoid men with large closets and copious amounts of hockey equipment.

By far, my favorite Oilers-related definition page in the Urban Dictionary is for the word "Wabowser." The definition itself is lacklustre, although bonus points should be awarded for the Super Mario Brothers reference, but the usage example is gold: "The best part of that Oilers game was when Cory Cross WABOWSERed himself into the boards. Because he's Cory Cross. And he's terrible."

Poor Cory Cross.

05 August 2006

Poil #2: Who owns the crease in your fantasy?

Only five?

1. I am apparently attracted (for the most part) to men that 90% (a rough estimate) of women would call "funny-looking" or "ridiculously unattractive." I also really like Eastern European men, but I don't think that's particularly strange.

2. I become enraged at the sight of emoticons.

3. I can fold my tongue in strange ways.

4. I once made a profile for myself at lavalife.com. It may or may not still be there.

5. After a beer or five I sometimes start blurting out the reasons for my love for Ulanov. Or I'll throw up. The former is much more common.

04 August 2006

Loxy's Turn

I realize that I got tagged with the "sports edition" version of the 5 things post. But after struggling with the list of top 10 favorite athletes, I am going for the 5 weird facts...

1. Some of the oilogosphere was introduced to me in a March post on IOF called Vic's Guide to BlogLand. Until the playoffs, Jarret & Rachel, and Lauren Pronger, it was my highest hit day. What was in my blog that day? A post about having terrible gas.

2. My University sports career started with a bit of a stumble. During tryouts for the UofA Track team, I was fast enough (sans ever training) to be winning the 60m sprint. That was until I fell less than 10m before the finish line. To add insult to injury, there was only one more trial, so the coach made me walk back down my lane while the next set of girls waited for me. I had to run again. I came 2nd in my 2nd heat in just about as many minutes.

3. Though I was a fan of Marty Reasoner since day one, he officially took over as my #1 obsession since my Eric Brewer addiction was kicked a few years ago. He was a jerk to me at a Tragically Hip concert and there has never been a kind word since.

4. I can also put my fist in my mouth.

5. My first hockey jersey was actually my brother's. 1993 Christmas. My brother gets two (one white and one black) Pavel Bure jerseys.



I'm going to assume that all other bloggers have been tagged. If you are reading this and haven't been tagged, thou art tagged.

5 weird things

So, I got "tagged" by Monsieur Sleek of Battle of California (one of my favourite hockey blogs, by the by) to list 5 weird things about myself, and then pass this task along to other bloggers. Please direct all complaints to Mike Chen.

1. I have a mad crush on Dwayne Roloson. Other weird celeb crushes: MacT and Bruce Willis.

2. I can put my fist in my mouth.

3. I met Steven Tyler when I was 11, after an Aerosmith concert in Calgary. He's tall and skinny.

4. I am a fishetarian.

5. I have played ringette since I was 4 years old. Ringette is a weird sport. Incidentally, my mad ringette skating skillz helped me beat a current ECHL center in a footrace (skaterace?) many years ago, for which he is forever shamed. Hi Ryan!

Tag: Ms. Jordi, James O'Brien

03 August 2006

Cute Prospect Alert

Meet Brock Radunske. This 23-year-old Kitchener native caught my eye as I browsed the Oilers prospect pages with his Cobain-esque hairstyle -- long enough that you can run your fingers through it, but not so long that you get tangled. Rawr. He also appears to still have all of his own teeth. Sexy!

Brock here is a tall drink of water at 6'4" and, according to Hockey's Future, "is a good stickhandler, [a skill] that usually elude[s] big men." Hello, sailor! He also averaged nearly one penalty per game in 2005/06, which means he may have a touch of "bad boy" in him -- Could he be a heartbreaker? There's only one way to find out, ladies!

Radunske currently plays for the Greenville Grrrowl. The logo for this team is as adorable as its name, and I'm not surprised that someone with as much "hot oil" potential as Brock is being developed within such a cheek-pinchingly cute organization. Adding further to Brock's cute quotient is the fact that he loves his mommy, who was injured in a car accident in 2002. "Just having her here means so much to me," Radunske said at the 2002 draft. "She has been through so much ... It's incredible to have her here beside me today." Say it with me: Awwwwwww.

Cuteness Prospect Grade: 7.0 A

More Breaking News!


So, I just received a text message from IOF's RiversQ. It detailed the fortunate coincidence of former Oiler (and unfortunate current stanley cup champion) Ray Whitney being on his flight to Edmonton.

I don't want to get into the story too much, seeing that this blog is new and trying to build a "character" audience. Children won't understand the story, old people will be shocked and appalled, but out of respect for Whitney and RiversQ, I'll let either of them post the entire account in the comments.

(enter brokeback mountain joke here)

Patent-Pending





















Remember those paper dolls? They came with different paper outfits, ready to be dressed up and way you wanted them. This staple of my childhood as inspired me to create a new line of paper dolls, NHL style. Since Mr. Schremp has already volunteered to strip down to his team skivvies, he is the first to get dressed up. Let the fun begin!

01 August 2006

Back off, Bitch - He's MINE!

Here we have my boyfriend Dwayne Roloson with some floozy at an autograph signing in Minnesota. Lots more dreamy pics can be found here. Aside from the fact that this ho needs to step off, what caught my attention about this photo was the toys that can be seen down near Roli's crotchal area. Are those...Roli bobbleheads?!

Yes. Yes they are. And I think I might die if I don't get my hands on one. Apparently they're "limited edition" or something, but there are a few on eBay. Pretty good!

In other bobble news, I did a quick search for "Oilers Bobbleheads" to see if any other hotties can be purchased in bobble format. The first site to come up is this one, from River City Sports. Hilariously, they only carry 3 bobbleheads and 2 of them are among the most resented Oilers of all time: Mike Comrie and Tommy Salo. Curiously unavailable: Rem Murray.

Breaking News!

Okay, so the news of Rachel Hunter and Jarret Stoll is terribly old by now... BUT, it's never too late to post one of the first OFFICIAL sightings.

Will-Call Rachel Hunter

(Stanley Cup finals, game 3, will-call line, my camera phone)

Now, I know she's a "supermodel" or something, but doesn't our Stolli deserve better? I mean, he's getting Sean Avery's leftovers! Not tasty at all! Nu-uh!