I don’t want to break “guy code” here, but I had a conversation with the Covered in Oil guys at the Gas N’ Sip recently, and this is what they said to me about women:
Chris!: “Andy man, no babe is worth it, you know. Listen, hang with us man, we'll teach you.” Pleasure Motors: “Right, Andy man. You can't even trust them man, because you know what it's about? They spend your money, and they tell their friends everything man. It's economics.” Chris!: “Man, all you gotta do is find a girl that looks just like her, nail her, and then dump her, man. Get her off your mind.” Mike W.: “Your only mistake is that you didn't dump her first. Loxy is a show pony. You need a stallion, my friend. Walk with us and you walk tall.” Pleasure Motors: “Bitches, man.”
I was also at a Christmas party over the holidays, and overheard this exchange:
Prez: “Hi Chris!, How are you? I love you.” Chris!: “I love you too.” Prez: “You invade my soul.” Chris!: “I want to get back together, Jordi is gonna go to college and I'm gonna be alone and I'm gonna break up with her before she leaves. Have sex with me.”
Andy Grabia: Profile of the New Male
Favorite Song: “I really enjoy “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel.”
Favorite Movie: “Cocoon. I've never actually seen it, but I heard it’s very good. It makes you happy. It’s about a group of people who go to outer space... hope I didn’t give anything away there.”
How He Stays Fit: “Kickboxing. You ever heard of it? Kickboxing. Sport of the future.”
Career Ambitions: “I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.”
“I am looking for a dare to be great situation.”
On Wooing Alana: Interviewer: “I don't know you very well, you know, but I wanted to ask you - how'd you get Alana to go out with you?” Andy Grabia: “I called her up.” Interviewer: “But how come it worked? I mean, like, what are you?” Andy Grabia: “I’m Andy Grabia.” Interviewer: “This is great. This gives me hope. Thanks.”
On Having His Heart Broken By The Oilers: “I gave them my heart and they gave me a pen.”
When’s The Ding?: “It's coming... any second now... any second now…”
BLACKOUT Andy's opponent this round is Chris! from Covered in Oil, seen here sporting an identical moustache to that of my history professor. Although not a character in one of the greatest John Cusack movies of all time, Chris! is still worthy of your love. He is blinded by his own hotness. And you should be, too. I'll bet he'd even visit your dad in jail.
Sending Andy home to talk about his top 5 breakups of all time, Chris! wins an exciting round with 54% of the vote.