31 May 2007

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Washington Caps

It's true! The Caps aren't composed entirely of gangly Russians, despite what the NHL marketing department might lead you to believe. Even so, are their UFAs hot enough to wear copper and blue? Let's find out.

On the Blueline:

Bryan Muir
Muir was an Oiler for about 3 seconds in the mid-nineties, and was eventually traded for Guerin. Excellent trade, I'd say -- particularly for the exponential increase in team hotness. This guy looks like somebody's boring uncle. You know the one -- he buys you shitty adult contemporary CDs at Christmas and won't let you drink soda in his car because you might spill. And he lived with your grandma until he was 30. I'm sure there are some ladies who would find all that sexy, but I am not one of them. Get out of here, Uncle Bryan!

Trying to Score:

Donald Brashear

As you can see, this notorious enforcer knows how to look hot, even when he's ruining McSorley's career, cheap-shotting some sucker, or sharpening his stick into a shiv. On the other hand, he's apparently kind of a dink. What wins out: muscles or douchebaggery? You decide!

28 May 2007

Unrestricted Free Hotness: San Jose Sharks

It's hard for anyone to look hot in a bright aqua clown costume, but let's see how the Sharks' UFAs fare, shall we? A healthy California tan might be just the thing to make the pasty Oilers like whoa.

On the Blueline:

Scott Hannan
I'm sure Mr. Hannan is a nice fellow, but he looks like a rural Alberta date rapist. Greasy long hair and sketchy teenage 7-11 clerk chin pubes do not a dreamboat make -- remember Todd Harvey? Just say no to sweaty creeps, K.Lo.

Craig Rivet

Craig Rivet may be the most boring man in the NHL. His bland good looks put me to sleep, and his on-ice performance could not be more average. He looks like every WHL player that I went to high school with, if they had been able to grow middle-aged frat boy goatees. It wasn't hot in the mid-90's, and it's certainly not hot now.

Trying to Score:

Mark Smith
Edmonton-born Mark Smith has a bit of a Jeremy Piven look going on, which is pretty hot to a PCU fan such as myself (GO TO SLEEP!). I also dig his creative hairstyles and scrappy playing style. Plus, he's a rockstar, so if K.Lo were to bring Smith home, the ice would be littered with panties every night. Who can say no to THAT?

Billy Guerin
One-time Hot Oiler Guerin is back on the auction block after bouncing around the league for the past 7 years or so. His inability to commit isn't very hot, but if Guerin were to return to Edmonton I bet he'd give Moreau a run for his money in the Hot-Off. Come on, K.Lo -- he gave us Ales Hemsky. Why not give ol' Billy a second chance in return?

26 May 2007

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Phoenix Coyotes

Since it's best we all forget that the 2006/07 season ever happened, shall we shift our focus toward the future? There are a buttload of UFAs available this summer, but who will really bring sexy back to the Oil? That was the question posed by my pal Garnet, who suggested that the ladies of Hot Oil rate the 2007 UFAs on what's really important: dreaminess. Team-by-team we'll be separating the sexy from the mutant-y, starting with those adorable losers, the Phoenix Coyotes.

In goal:

Curtis Joseph
Oh, CuJo. Not only is he a former Oilers' saviour, but he has pretty blue eyes and a cocky half-smile going for him. Not many men can pull off the giant eyebrows, but Joseph is Peter Gallagher-esque in this feat. The cherry on top: he's a goalie. CuJo is definitely a hot free agent, and K.Lo would do well to sign his rugged manliness now if he wants to help the Oil return to form.

Brian Boucher
Mr. Boucher, you look like a young spaz. This is a resource which the Oil has in ample supply. While not entirely off-putting, you are certainly no Curtis Joseph or Dwayne Roloson. Plus, it's hard to look sexy while opening the door to the bench. Good luck to you, sir. I hope you don't end up in Edmonton.

Trying to Score:

Kevyn Adams
This guy's too-close-together eyes, resemblance to Peter Hill, and unfortunate spelling of his first name substantially detract from his hotness, but the real kicker is that he played for the 2005/06 Carolina Hurricanes. DEAD TO ME.

Jeremy Roenick
Desperation is never hot. Neither is terrible dancing. Granted, Roenick used to be a bit of a looker, but these days he's been skewing toward the Nick Nolte end of the spectrum. Sorry about your broken face, pal. I know you really really really want to play, but please don't choose the Oil.

Owen Nolan
Mr. Nolan is Irish, cocky, and aging pretty well -- he's finally lost that babyface, and is rocking the shaved head. Plus, I bet he can really drink. He'd bring a certain diaper-less, manly quality to the baby-infested Oil, so he might be worth a glance from K.Lo for boosting the team's hotness.

Mike Ricci

17 May 2007

Tu aimes Raffi?

Glamour shot!

Photo courtesy one Mr./Ms. Baggins, via email

16 May 2007

This just made my day.

Chris Pronger has been suspended for game 4 of the Western Conference Finals after a dirty hit on Tomas Holmstrom in last night's 5-0 shellacking of the Ducks. How delicious would it be if CFP were to cost his new team the cup? I can't wait to find out. GO. WINGS.

13 May 2007

Welcome to San Jose!

This might be slightly irrelevent, as the Sharks were eliminated from the playoffs in the last round, but I went to games 3 and 4 of the Detroit - San Jose series. And stuff (stuff = Disneyland). We drove down via the I-5 for most of the trip, going down through Washington state and Oregon. Washington is a very nice state. Oregon is too, but the drivers mostly obey the interstate speed limit which can be rather annoying for those people wishing to exceed it by approximately thirty-five mph (hypothetically speaking, of course). I suspect this has to do with the fact that there are state patrol cars lurking in the bushes around every bend. Also, there are inexplicably tire parts all over the sides of the I-5 in Oregon.
We left the northern suburbs of Edmonton at 8pm on Thursday, April 26th, and we arrived in San Jose at about 4pm local time on the 28th. San Jose is a nice city. The HP Pavillion is located near Stanley Cup Way (a nice throw to those teams that actually have won, perhaps?). The arena is very nice, spacious, and modern with a nice view of palm trees across the road. The food served in the Pavillion is much better than that served at Rexall, save for the pizza. Round Table Pizza has nothing on BP's. Their jumbo screen leaves something to be desired. They rarely show the fans up on the screen, choosing instead to show the Sharks logo bouncing around during commercial breaks. Also, they don't have fun games like Tap the Cap. All in all, HP Pavillion makes Rexall Place look like a (fun) shithole.
We found the Sharks fans to be very nice, even if they were woefully under-dressed for a playoff game. On the whole, they seemed knowledgeable about hockey, except the guy sitting behind us who asked if he had just witnessed a fourth-quarter infraction (or something like that. I assume he was using football terminology, of which I know nothing about) when the play went offside. We were wearing Oilers jerseys with Sharks logos taped to the front (until they fell off), and few people were unable to recognize the Oilers team colours. On the Sharks' powerplays, all the fans mimicked chomping shark jaws while the Jaws music played. After the Sharks' victory in game 3, the car horn honking could be heard in a one mile radius around the arena, at which point "the coaches turned to pumpkins and the horses into mice," according to Jason, my Edmonton partner in crime. It made us miss the Whyte Ave. of a year ago, where those more interested in the NBA playoffs were the minority.
We also made it down to Disneyland, and I am sad to report that I forgot to T.P (not Toby Petersen, although now I have humourous images of him dangling from a tree) Pronger's house.
While we were in California...
-Number of major freeway overpasses that collapsed after a semi, driving too fast (in California? Never!), crashed into the guard rail, caught on fire, and melted the support beams, inconveniencing 100 000 commuters daily and making the Governator declare free public transit for a day:1
-Number of former Survivor contestants riding our ferry to Alcatraz: 1 (Ryan O. from Survivor: Pearl Islands )
-Number of times the car right in front of us got pulled over on the interstate by the California Highway Patrol for speeding, even though everyone else was also speeding: 1 (we actually did get pulled for speeding in Utah on the way home, but were let off with a warning)
-Number of serious vehicle accidents we were either witness to or arrived freshly on the scene of: 2
-Number of times we were reprimanded by Disneyland staff for trying to take a picture of Winnie the Pooh without standing in line: 2
-Number of nightmares I've had about It's a Small World: 1
-Number of celebrities I saw in Hollywood: 1 (Steve Carell)


08 May 2007



07 May 2007

What has Loxy been up to lately?

As one of the ladies of hot oil, I just wanted to check in and let y'all know I'm still alive. Alana is still kicking ass and taking names at street hockey, The Prez is lost in San Jose, and I am still in school for two more weeks.

But part of my schooling has been tracking down athletes and getting them to talk to me via cliches. To the left is Kyle Turris. He's ranked #1 going into the NHL draft. I didn't know how to get a hold of him with his parents phone number unlisted. SO, I facebooked him. Low and behold, facebook is a journalists best friend.

I also managed to get a CFL draft pick that way.

Being on there, it reminded me to check up on ol' Robbie. Yes, there is more new Robbie pics - to be shared at a later date... But what I noticed on Schremp's profile is that there's a large portion of young nhl players on there. Nilsson, JF Jacques, Tom Gilbert...

Tip of the day: In case you are looking to stalk... facebook is the place to start.