30 October 2006

Ulie rises again!

Starting in November, Ulanov will be wearing a jersey for Mikhnov's old team, Yaroslavl. I'm sad to see him leave Canada, but if it means that I'll get to obsessively follow his hockey career again, I'm all for it. I really missed his angelic on-ice moves. It's been too long.

I guarantee that the young guns over in the elite league will learn a thing or two from the seasoned hands of Igor Ulanov. They too will develop mighty battle scars on their faces. Perhaps I will one day lust after them. But not likely, for they will be far too young for my tastes. And nobody will ever be as deliciously robust.

29 October 2006

A loaf of bread, a carton of eggs, dreamy eyes...

Ladies of Edmonton: Head on down to the Calgary Trail Save on Foods (3361 Calgary Trail South) today between 1 and 2 PM if you'd like to pick up some eye candy with your groceries. Dreamy-eyed (and single!) Joffrey Lupul will be signing autographs.

27 October 2006

Is the answer Jesus?

After their devestating 6-2 loss to the awful Coyotes yesterday, the Oil will really need to step it up against Alexander Ovechkin and the Red Squares this weekend. Plagued by impotent offence and apathetic goaltending for the past two games, I think the boys are in need of a serious pep talk before Saturday's throwdown. And who better to rile up the players than the immortal Reggie Dunlop?

Take notes, MacT.

26 October 2006

Chris Pronger ruined my birthday.

The Ducks were not supposed to win last night. Oilers fans were supposed to experience the glorious feeling one feels when the enemy is defeated. Instead, that smug bastard Pronger got three assists and left the Oilers with their heads hanging.

Now I'm scared. Prior to last night, I didn't really pay much attention to Anaheim. I knew that they were good, that a few of them were madly collecting points for my fantasy teams, but I felt this sense of entitlement (similar to how I felt before the infamous game seven). It seemed like losing wasn't a possibility. The Oilers were supposed to kick Pronger's ass.

On a good note, Stoll has picked up the pace. I hope it lasts.

I'm going to the November 28th game against Anaheim. I'd very much like to wear some sort of anti-Pronger costume. Any ideas?

Happiness had better be restored tonight.

25 October 2006

Heart and Soul of Team Badly in Need of Brain

*Headline shamelessly stolen from The Onion

Enemy #1

When I see him on TV, hear his name, read anything about him, I get this knot in my soul. It's a pain that can only be soothed by looking deep into the eyes of Joffrey Lupul and imagining his lips form the words "Oh, Loxy."

And even still, there is still a feeling that I that remains - a lingering hate. I can't get over it. And I hope the Oilers haven't either.

This is their greatest challenge yet, playing a team with two number 1 goaltenders, a capable forward set, and a number 1 jerkface.

Am I ever going to forgive him for abandoning us? Not anytime soon. But it will make it feel better tonight when the Oil put him in his place.

24 October 2006

Sorry, Gretzky...

Boos for Comrie, cheers for Laraque.

The last time I attended a game against Phoenix, Edmonton destroyed them 7-1. On Monday, I again had the pleasure of witnessing the destruction of the Coyotes, even if it was on a slightly lesser scale.

The Oilers finally benefitted from their man advantage, scoring twice on the powerplay. Horcoff and Stoll finally scored their firsts of the season, leaving a frustrated-looking and pointless Pisani in the dust.

Baldness helped Raffi Torres, as he scored the first goal of the game. Maybe if he shaves off the ludicrous facial hair, he'll get promoted back to the second line. But not likely, because Thoreson is a machine! This city will quickly fall in love with the Thoreson-Sykora-Hemsky line, for good reason. Sykora and Hemsky scored the fourth and fifth goals for the Oilers last night, giving Sykora four points on the night.

Mikhnov played his first regualr season NHL game last night, unimpressively. He wouldn't have even been noticed, had it not been for his enormous stature and snail-paced skating. We miss you, Ethan.

Edmonton is obsessed with Laraque. I saw no fewer than seven Phoenix Laraque jerseys, and that was just from where I was sitting. Would you purchase the jersey for your favourite team or for your favourite player?

The night's three stars: The Oilers' second line. Sykora, Hemsky and Thoreson took first, second and third respectively.

Oilers forwards (who play on a regular basis) yet to score a goal: Reasoner, Winchester and Pisani!

In other news, you can now test your Ulanov knowledge!

If You Leave, Don't Leave Now...

Please don't take our hearts away.

I'm sad to inform you that our Hot Champion 2006, Ethan Moreau, may be out for the rest of the season. It turns out that his slap fight injury (a dislocated shoulder) will likely require surgery. I hope that our care package of processed meat sticks and spicy candy will help console him during this difficult period. Our squees are with you, Ethan.

Since Moreau can't fulfill his duties as Hot Champion, does this mean that our runner-up, Mr. Dwayne Roloson, becomes the champ by default? Hello? Bueller?

Oh come on...a girl can dream, can't she?

22 October 2006

Fuck Yeah

Chez Alana, most of tonight's 3-1 win against Detroit was pre-empted by a private showing of The Last Unicorn. Extinction is a bitch, yo. Nevertheless, I managed to catch some of the highlights including Hemsky's radical game of keep-away with the Detroit defencemen and Roloson's always-hilarious baseball move. One of these days, Roli. One of these days.

Staios made a really interesting comment after the game that a lot of the players try to get the puck to Hemsky at every opportunity because he's so awesome. Some teams have picked up on this and started giving the little freak extra coverage, which has hampered the Oil offence. Sounds like this is something that MacT is working on, which will hopefully lead to more breathing-room for Hemsky and fewer turnovers when he's on the ice. Pretty good!

Lupul hypnotized Detroit's defence twice tonight with his dreamy eyes, picking up an assist and a goal. Hot Champion 2006 Ethan Moreau gave himself a bizarre arm injury after slapping (yes, slapping) the side of Markov's helmet, and I think MAB made yet another enemy tonight in Loxy when he sent a painful-looking slapshot straight into Marty Reasoner's shin. Oh, MAB. Will you ever win?

EDIT: I forgot to mention that, during Behind the Mask, Hrudey (lookin' cute in a pink Breast Cancer Awareness cap) said that he thinks Roli has a better glove hand than Vezina-winner Kiprusoff! squee!

20 October 2006

I *heart* Pisani's wife.

(Clockwise from top left: Pisani, Huddy, Smith, Staios)

I got this picture from a story about the "Lives of the wives". It's amazing what you can find if you type "Oiler Wives" into google. As I thought, they have a charity and for 3 and a half pages of that article - I was empathetic for what they have to deal with. That was until the last line of the last paragraph, care of Mrs. Smith:
"It can be hard. You can't help but think of the guys on the road, eating out, staying in great hotels, eating nice meals. And you're home wiping up baby poop and eating Kraft Dinner again."

Eating Kraft Dinner? Give me a friggin' break. Even Brad Winchester makes more this year than I'll make in the next ten years combined.

So Mrs. Smith? You're not getting any sympathy from me. There are actual families who eat Kraft Dinner every night because it costs around $1 to produce. And what about the health of your children? Cook up a stir fry if you know what is good for you! I bet you can afford some bell-peppers too! And instead of throwing in pieces of cardboard for protein like I do, you might use meat.

That said, I love Heidi Pisani. I found this podcast video about the Oilers wives charity stuff. Heidi seems so sweet. She's just an Edmonton kid who fell for her high school sweetheart. (And I have higher respect for people who are fair skinned like myself - even ginger kids - we take a lot of flack just because we fade in and out of walls)

You can find out more about what the ladies are doing here.

Too easy, MC79

So, due to the high number of search engine hits he was getting for "Does _____ have a girlfiend?," Tyler of mc79hockey fame challenged us to compile a list of which Oilers are taken and which ones are not. Thanks to Google and our super-helpful readers, this challenge was pretty simple. Next time, we'll have to raise the bar.

As a side note, have you looked at the roster page lately? Apparently the Oilers are from OUTER SPACE!

Without further delay, here is the list. To all of you squeeing fangirls out there who hope that, one day, you may be able to land yourself an athletic, hairy, and toothless hunk of Oilers man-meat: We salute you.

Shawn Horcoff
Ryan Smyth
Petr Sykora
Ethan Moreau
Marty Reasoner
Jason Smith
Daniel Tjarnqvist
Dwayne Roloson (sigh)
Alexei Mikhnov
Jan Hejda
Steve Staios
Fernando Pisani
Jussi Markkanen
Craig MacTavish
Patrick Thoresen (thanks, Pat!)

Raffi Torres (engaged, I believe)
Jarret Stoll (Mr. Rachel Hunter)
Ales Hemsky*
Ladislav Smid*
Kyle Brodziak*

Single (OMG!)
Joffrey Lupul
Brad Winchester
Matt Greene
Jean-Francois Jacques*

*Unconfirmed, but we're pretty sure. If you know for a fact that any of these are wrong, please let us know.

18 October 2006

A challenge, he says.

MC79 of MC79 fame has put, in writing, a challenge.

I think it is a fair challenge.
I think that we can do some digging.
I think the best course of action is to infiltrate the inner circle.

Due to this post, they will know that we are coming. (Granted, I'll only be coming from December 18-28, but that might be enough time to snag one of the fuglies.)

Prez? Alana? Ideas? Disguises?

Maybe I should explore the "Adam Reasoner" route.

Zzzz...what, three minutes left?

I attended tonight's game against Vancouver, which was the longest game in the history of the NHL. It felt like it, anyway. Extreme boredom was sandwiched nicely between the exciting first three minutes, and the nailbiter last three. Again, the sloppy play by the Oilers was almost cancelled out by the goaltender's prowess. Hats off to you, Jussi, even if you only faced 22 shots.

And where the hell did Thoreson come from (besides the obvious, I mean)? Norway's darling is a little machine. Also, congratulations extended to Steve Staios for assisting on both Moreau's goal and Thoreson's goal. And for being the first star.

The Bergeron hate continues! Rightly so, because he is terrible. At what point will we get to see the sexy play of Jan Hejda?

17 October 2006

Twins are Evil

I wasn't able to watch last night's game, so head on over to MC79hockey for a real recap. I did listen to the second period on 630 CHED, and it sounded like Roli played a great game (which earned him a second star in the end) -- 'atta boy!

For no reason other than unfounded hatred, I blame this loss collectively on the Sedin twins and that troll MAB. Let's hope the Oil can overcome these evil forces in tonight's rematch. GOILERS!

16 October 2006

Tonight means a lot to me.

As a Vancouver resident who survived my first year here with a complete diet of the Oilers kicking the Canucks collective asses, I can only hope for a similar result tonight. The Canucks have gotten hotter over the off-season with the departure of Todd "The Mangler" Bertuzzi and the acquisition of Roberto "something must rhyme with" Luongo and Willie "Big Smiles" Mitchell. I think the hottest (and I say that in a very non-sexual way considering the looks of these two) players that we have to watch out for are the twins. The little misses have grown into fine young players (and still not men).

How scared am I? Really?

Well, this Oilers team really scares me as to how good, I mean hot, they could really be. And nothing is hotter than the jacket.

My prediction? A 5-3 win with goals from Reasoner, Ulanov, MacT, Moreau, and Pisani.

Hats Off to Smytty!

For those who haven't seen it, here's Smytty's hat trick from last Thursday. I love how the first goal doesn't even touch his stick -- I think it goes in off his ankle. That's hott!

15 October 2006

Oh Yeah.

I learned last night that Milan Hejduk is a fast motherfucker. Seriously. Fast. No matter -- the adorable Roli played a great game and fended off the boys in purple (with no help from MAB, mind you) on the way to a surprisingly exciting 4-3 win. Rad!

Not to beat a dead goat, but I blame the second goal against the Oilers entirely on Mr. Bergeron. In front of Roloson, MAB decided to stop skating with Tyler Arnason and feebly wave his stick at him instead as he drove the net and scored. If you're too tired to skate with your man, get off the damn ice you horrible troll!

As noted here, Ryan Smyth is an idiot savant when it comes to being in the perfect place at the perfect time. He was at the top of his game again last night, popping the puck past Jose Theodore twice. Sykora got the game winner with his amazing bendy stick on a shot from the high slot. I think Mr. Hilton was distracted by his impending hair loss.

Following the game, the batch of Toronto- and Jersey-residin' Edmonton ex-pats who had collected at our place to watch the game became distracted by shiny, shiny YouTube. This, this, and this will blow your mind.

In other news, the Oilers have updated their roster page to make it easier to compare the relative hotness across our boys. Shout out?

13 October 2006

Friday the 13th!

Last night the Oilers beat the Sharks. A dandy birthday present for Mr. Roloson, despite the fact that he let in four goals. The game was on Pay-Per-View, so I didn't actually watch the game. Thank goodness for the highlights!

Last night Ryan Smyth broke Wayne Gretzky's record for a Hat Trick in the least amount of time. Gretzky's previous record of three goals in two minutes and eighteen seconds (18 February, 1981) was beaten last night by Smyth's Hat Trick in two minutes and one second.

In other news, the Oilers have told anthem-singer Paul Lorieau (pictured here in the photo I took at the game opener) to stop turning the mic over to the fans and to sing the entire song himself. Apparently he gets paid the same either way.

Today is Marc-André Bergeron's birthday.

11 October 2006

Let's Get Physical

Looks like MacT took my advice and decided to bag skate the team to get their endurance up for tomorrow's game. No word yet on the shirtless photos...

In other news, Hot Oil favourite Kyle Brodziak is the only Oilers prospect to score a goal for the Dunder Mifflin Penguins so far this season. Once again, Schremp gets owned.

Finally, a big Happy Birthday to my boyfriend Dwayne, who turns 37 tomorrow! You know what would be a great birthday present, Oilers D? A shutout against Thornton, Cheechoo and company. Make it happen!

10 October 2006

Reason..er.. Number 3.

Genetics have been good to the Reasoner family. Sure they had a penance for matching outfits in the mid-90s, but the middle brother, David, went onto to becoming a golf pro, so the outfit works. And Marty is wearing Oilers blue!

The real "reason" (hehe, you should be happy I didn't throw in Rod "ex of Rachel Hunter" Stewart's Reason to Believe on midi file) that I'm writing this post is to highlight Reasoner #3. Adam no longer looks twelve years old. It's amazing what 10 years will do for a kid.

As a goaltender for Boston College, he hopes one day to be an NHL hockey player like his big brother Marty. Seriously, it says so on his (class project?) website. Watch out ladies, he's taken - by some sort of Calista Flockhart-Elizabeth Hasselbeck girl. And he loves HTML. What a man!

08 October 2006

Dear Mr. Moreau -

Congratulations! This letter is to inform you that you have won the first annual Hot-Off competition hosted by Hot Oil, a month-long battle to determine who the hottest Oiler is. Your victory was no small feat, considering the high overall level of hotness represented on the Edmonton Oilers roster.

In your first-round win against Igor Ulanov, you were established as an early favourite with the voter comment “Ethan looks like he could make you ovulate from across the room with one glance.” As the competition went on, Petr Sykora, Raffi Torres, Craig MacTavish, and finally Dwayne Roloson were also felled by our voters’ passion for your, er, “shorthanded goal record.”

Please find enclosed a “Certificate of Hotness” documenting your status as Hot Champion 2006, as well as a few tokens of our appreciation for your toothless smile.

The above letter and certificate were mailed to our Hot-Off champion Ethan Moreau yesterday, care of the Oilers, along with some "prizes." For your entertainment (or boredom, depending on how exciting you find colour printers), I have photo-documented the process by which our grand prize package was assembled and mailed:

Here's my printer at work. Way to go, little guy!

Here I am typing the letter. If this were Top Model, Janice Dickinson would say that my hand looks like a catcher's mitt.

The certificate goes into an envelope. I used cardboard to make sure the paper wouldn't get creased!

Look what I found in my medicine cabinet!

Here's the total package: letter in the white envelope; certificate in the yellow. In addition to the Hot Oil, our prizes include Hot Rod meat sticks and Hot Tamales candy. Nothing goes with processed meat like synthetic cinnamon flavour!

Here's my friendly neighborhood postal worker getting ready to ship our package off to the winner. Huzzah!

Happy Birthday, Raffi!

Birthday wishes extended to Raffi Torres. He is a quarter of a century old today. Mr. Torres makes all the girls melty! And I cannot seem to shake this weird crush that I have on him.


What an effing shitshow. The game got off to a good start, with dreamy-eyed Lupul scoring his first goal as an Oiler, but what was with the parade of penalties in the 2nd and the complete lack of hustle in the 3rd on the way to a 2-1 loss to the (ugh) Flames? Disappointing, to say the least.

Did anyone else (shamefully) hope that Kipper wouldn't get up after being pummeled by Raffi? That guy singlehandedly kept the Flames in the game (as usual) -- he has some amazing moves. At the other end, I wasn't thrilled with Roli's play -- at least one of those goals probably shouldn't have gone in, and he was way out of position at times. However, he did save the defencemen's asses on a few plays so I think it evens out.

Speaking of -- holy crap there were some HUGE defensive mistakes tonight. Smid, in particular, definitely shows his age. I chuckled when one of the play-by-play guys said that Greene "could become one of the league's best defensemen," but I have to hand it to the guy -- he looked relatively good in this game and stayed out of the penalty box.

It was frustrating to see the team playing like they had given up midway through the third. They turned it on in the last minute-and-a-half of the game, but that's not enough to win. I think some more (shirtless) endurance training may be just what the doctor ordered, MacT! Don't forget to take pictures.

PS: Does anyone else hate that commercial with the lady banging her empty glass against the fridge to let her husband know she wants a new appliance? What a passive-agressive bitch.

07 October 2006

I *heart* czechs.

The Oilers, now featuring the Chex-Mex line of Hemsky, Sykora and Torres.
(nickname stolen from oilfans.com, the picture below is all google pictures search.)

Oh. Yeah.

Now that I've overcome the feeling of loss over the end of the Hot Off, I'm able to talk a little bit about the hotness of yesterday's game (which I was lucky enough to go to).

The Western Conference banner was raised and revealed in front of the fans, while the Oilers sat in the dressing room. It was on the other side of the scoreboard from where I was sitting, so I couldn't really see it. But I knew it was there.

It's clear that Roloson did not suffer any permanent damage from his injury in June (thank your lucky stars, Bergeron).

Sykora was obviously the hero of the game, earning himself the first star. With three points on the game, he went on to prove that he's more than just a silly emo haircut. He's not on either of my fantasy hockey teams, but he made an assist on the goal of Krasnokamsk Charm's very own defenseman, Daniel Tjarnqvist (and I was ridiculed for that pick). Tjarnqvist spent more time on the ice than any other Oiler that game. And he's sexy.

Thoreson also impressed me on Thursday. He threw his body all over the ice in attempts to block the puck. The boy is fearless like Igor Ulanov.

This post tells you nothing of Edmonton's sweet 3-1 victory, but a) you've heard it before, and b)I've been celebrating Alexander Keith's belated 211th birthday. And I've been celebrating hard.

Mr. Hot Oil Hot Off 2006 gets a contract extension! And the Oilers new site is hideous. I hate change.

06 October 2006

We're just tired, I suppose.

31 days of daily posts. It wears on you.

We all were so excited for game 1 of the season, that we forgot to write anything.

In fact, even today, I'm at a loss for words as to what I should say. I'm just so proud of this team. And I'm excited. And I have to go to school.

Enjoy! (Has nothing to do with Edmonton, it's just funny)

04 October 2006

Your 2006 Hot-Off Champion: Mr. Ethan Moreau

In a decisive victory, Mr. Ethan Moreau has won the 2006 Inaugural Hot-Off. For his efforts, he will receive a "certificate of hotness". I swear, I'm not even making this up, Alana made it, and it's going in the mail. There is also a basket of hot-products from our sponsors (to whom I need to give a shout out for their lack of donations):

Mike and Ikes - Red Hots
VO5 - Hot Oil Treatment
Mattel - Hot Wheels
The month of July - National Hot Dog Month

Thanks to everyone who voted and made this contest a raging success. If you're wanting to reminsce about this contest, just look to the side bar where the prez has archived everything!

Enough about the hot-off, the season starts tonight! Get your libidos going ladies and gentlemen!

I know that they say Edmonton's Rexall Place has great ice conditions, but with the team they're fielding this year, that building is going to get pretty hot. Watch out, they might also melt your hearts! (I'm still upset that last year's callup Hot-Rodziak didn't stay around.)

03 October 2006


So this is it, my friends.

31 days since Charlie Huddy defeated Matt Greene.

The conclusion to a saga that has rocked a nation.

Who is the hottest Oiler?

Who will be your 2006 Hot-Off Champion?

Dwayne Roloson or Ethan Moreau?

Well, voting is now over. In mere minutes, I will declare the winner.

02 October 2006

ET Canada stole ideas from us

I love ET Canada. I watch it everyday and if I don't watch it, I tape it. In fact, I usually TiVo (which I bought just for ET Canada) every episode and watch it twice over. I think the news they bring to the world is essential for humanity and the betterment of society. They are a newscast of honesty, uniqueness and a source of pride for Canadians.

Until today.

So, I flipped past a quick clip of Wade Redden on global this evening. Thinking that I had magically gotten a new hockey channel, just in time for the season no less, I had to return. What I found was ET Canada plagiarised us. This week, they are profiling hot hockey players each day. Now, I realize that we tend to specialize on Oilers here at Hot-Oil (hence the name). But (ala GOB)... Come On!

If I had access to Wade Redden's house, of course I'd do an expose. And it'd be wicked-good*, considering my future career as a broadcast journalist**.

(*If ET Canada even thinks of stealing the term, "wicked-good" from me, then wait.. I'll have proof that they are plagiarizing sons of bitches.)

(**Supposing that I complete the next two years and that someone hires me after I become world renowned at Hot-Oil.)

I don't know who ET Canada is doing for the rest of their weekly series on hot hockey men, but I'm willing to bet that the winner of Hot-Oil's Hot-Off (the finals are TOMORROW, bitches!) will be their keynote player on Friday. They are probably planning to dedicate an entire hour to the man among boys who wins our inaugural contest.

Speaking of which, there has been some questions as to what the winner is going to receive (outside of their 1 hour special on ET Canada and upcoming biography on CBC's Life and Times). Well, we have selected the prize and it will remain a secret until October 4th - the day we reveal YOUR CHOSEN WINNER to kick off the regular season.

Day 30: Nearing the end!

The Hot-Off is nearing its end! Today's Hot-Off features two very strong competitors fighting for a chance to win the top spot! Roloson and the golden mask took out both Tjarnqvist and Pisani to be here today. He's talented in net and he's adorable too! Will you give him an early birthday present?

Jason Smith is the second competitor of today. The captain destroyed Toby Petersen and Marty Reasoner to be standing here today. Gator never lets pain get in his way. Smith is a machine.

It's been an emotional roller coaster. Who are you sending to the finals?

Voting over! The people don't care that Roloson is putting his eggs in Chelios' basket, Dwayne edges out the Captain for a place in the finals!

01 October 2006

The Final Four

Day 29: Coach is puttin' on the foil!

Today's battle promises to be a doozy. Everyone's favourite player-coach, Craig "Silver Fox" MacTavish is taking on heavy contender Ethan "Chopper" Moreau. One gives great one-liners and looks sexy in a suit; the other gives hugs and has a cute toothless smile. However is a gal to choose?

Pick your man wisely -- the chance that today's winner will take the whole contest is not small. Vote in the comments!


October: delicious

Today is October first. Beautifully enough, it is also Mr. Ulanov's 37th birthday. Get out the birthday candles! Because this blog has more than one member, I must also point out that because it is Igor's birthday today, it will be Roli's 37th birthday in eleven days.

Other Oiler October birthdays:
October 8th - Raffi "The Pornstar" Torres
October 13 - Marc-André Bergeron
October 14 - Daniel Tjarnqvist