Unrestricted Free Hotness: NY Rangers

Beacuse New York is where old Oilers go to die, it seems weird to consider the Rangers as a source of new hotness. However, ladies do love men who live lives of danger (just ask Super Dave) -- there may be some potential here after all:

In the Crease:

Kevin Weekes

You have to love a man whose website plays Seventies porn music over shots of him making big saves. Hilarious. Weekes here is also big into hockey-related charities, which is hot. At the "not so hot" end of the spectrum: he has a pointy head and once appeared in an episode of All My Children. Net-net, I don't think he'd be much of an upgrade on the Juice in terms of dreaminess. Take a pass, K.Lo.

On the Blueline:

Sandis Ozolinsh

Sandis here looks pretty strung out, which actually might not be too far off the mark. I prefer my men to look a little less greasy and to look a lot less likely to ask me for $100 and a ride to Millwoods. Stay out of Edmonton, you bum!

Trying to Score:

Brendan Shanahan
On the cusp of retirement, Shanny has made it clear that he'd like to stay in NY if he decides to play next year. That's fine with me, because he wouldn't contribute much to the Oilers' overall hotness if he were to come to Edmonton. Sure, he may be "respected" and a "future hall-of-famer" and all, but he kind of creeps me out in the same way that Nedved does. Keep your "leadership" and "600 goals" far away from my city, pal.

Jed Ortmeyer
Here we (finally) have some real hotness potential. Young Mr. Ortmeyer is seriously cute. Last year, he was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism and missed about 40 games before coming back to finish the season and get nominated for the Bill Masterson -- don't you just want to hug him? He's way hotter than our Masterson candidate, Toby "oh for fuck sakes" Peterson. Get out your negotiating suit, K.Lo! Ortmeyer would be a sexy investment.


Lowetide said…
Good update. I'm beginning to notice a bias against older men but am too busy sulking to make it an issue.

I love your nickname for Toby Petersen btw. :-)
Anonymous said…
when will we get to:
Unrestricted Free Hotness: Edmonton Oilers?
Anonymous said…
I find Weekes attractive, nice smile though not as dazzling as Jussi's. So let's see, Weekes vs Jussi? about even in the end. Weeks vs Roli? no contest. Roli's intensity wins me over every time.
Ozolinsh actually looked pretty good in his time with Colorado. But now, no thank you very much.
3 1/2 WABAMINKIs for Shannahan. Still scrappy (took on Brashear for his team), a leader, eyes that still twinkle of mischieviousness (Irish). No chance he comes out west but an intriguing thought.
Ortmeyer is 'teddy bear cute' for sure, just not 'sexy cute' for me.
Anonymous said…
Sorry, that last anon was me, RoliLover.
Lord Bob said…
I thought Edmonton was where old Oilers went to die.

Bill Ranford, Marty McSorley, Petr Nedved, Frank Musil, and probably Ryan Smyth when he's 41 and on recall waivers.
Kirsten said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kirsten said…
Man, the NHL appears to be seriously lacking in hot UFA's. If the NHL wants more fans, they had better get on that...
Lady_Byng said…
I love Shanny, but he is starting to look his age.
I doubt he would come to Edm though.

Love the nickname for Toby; it really suits him. Hilarious.
Anonymous said…
Ilya Bryzgalov used to be my primary source of backup-goalie amusement. Since he's dead to me, I've been looking for a replacement. Thank you Kevin Weekes! Bowm-chica-BOW-WOWM!
jon k said…
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your description of Ozolinsh actually reminds me of a funny story involving our beloved Igor Ulanov.

I knew a young lady who was being chatted up by Igor one night at a local bar. He would eventually ask her to come home and she declined. HOWEVER, he then followed up with the dreaded, "Well can you at least give me a drive home?" I kid you not.
Anonymous said…
Hey alana you dead o somthin b/c i havent seen an update in weeks! this time do:
Unrestricted Free Hottness: Edmonton oilers!

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